Swiper's Review

SETTING: The interior of a standard office meeting room. Seated on either side of a utilitarian desk are two people: The INTERVIEWER, a man in his mid-30s and the subject, one SWIPER T. FOX, a small foxlike creature wearing blue gloves and a blue mask.

Interviewer (I): All right now, Mr... Fox, is it?

Swiper T. Fox (F): Heh heh heh, that's right!

I: This should only take a few minutes, it's just your standard Villain year-end review, nothing too complicated.

F: Okie dokie!

I: .... Right. Now then, why don't you tell me, in a nutshell, just what it is that you do?

F: Sure! I SWIPE things!

I: Ah! Theft! Very good, very good, that's always a commendable skill for a villain to have. How much have you netted this year from your thievery?

F: Huh? I don't use nets.

I: (blinks) No, I meant how much money have you earned from the sales of your ill-gotten gains?

F: I don't sell anything I swipe.

I: I see. What do you do with the things you steal, then?

F: It's classic! I sneak up on a little girl and her pet monkey, then I take whatever they have and throw them away!

I: Throw them away?

F: Yeah! Then I say "You'll never find your stuff now!"

I: Hmmm. Go on.

F: (fidgets in seat) I mean, that's usually how it works... then. You know, like that. (coughs) Unless...

I: Unless... what?

F: Unless they hear me coming, then sometimes it don't work out so good.

I: "Doesn't"

F: Huh?

I: You said "don't work out so good." It should be "Doesn't", not "don't."

F: (stares blankly, mouth agape)

I: So, if they hear you coming, do you run away, try again when they can't hear you?

F: No, I just try anyway.

I: Ah, perseverance! Excellent! Then what happens?

F: If I'm fast enough, I get their stuff. If they catch me, and say "Swiper No Swiping" three times, then I can't get their stuff.

(five minutes go by in silence)

I: Let me see if I understand this, Mr. Fox. You don't sell what you steal, you simply throw it away.

F: Uh huh!

I: You only steal from ONE individual - no banks, nothing like that?

F: Yeah! Well, her and her monkey friend!

I: And if she hears you coming -- how is that she hears you?

F: Oh, I have really a neat sound effect when I'm sneaking up on someone! It sounds like this:

(a sound suspiciously like a maraca being shaken is heard)

I: ... Right. (coughs) If she hears that, she simply tells you not to steal three times and you go along with it?

F: Yeah!

I: Is this girl your nemesis?

F: Nemewhatsis?

I: Nemesis. Is she your enemy?

F: No! I love Dora!

I: Hmm. I think I've heard all I need to. Mr. Fox, you are without a doubt the worst so-called villain I have ever met, and in my opinion, you are borderline mentally retarded. I am officially downgrading your status from Villain to Minor Annoyance. As such, you are no longer employable with this firm.

F: No, Wait! I really need you guy's insurance! I can't afford COBRA!

I: Also, I advise you to invest in some remedial English classes - "You guy's" is not proper English.

F: But but but--

I: Good day.

(INTERVIEWER presses a button on the desk which opens a trap door beneath Swiper, dropping him into the black pit below)

F: (falling) Ohhhhhh, Man!!!

I: (sighs) Ms. McGillicutty, who is next for review?

(an intercom on the desk crackles to life): Your next subjects are a pair of monkeys called The BoBo Brothers. Shall I send them in?

I: Sure, send them in.

I: I hate this job.

[END RECORDING]