~Rob
Bachelor!
101 ways to stay single for the rest of your natural life - or even longer!
By Rob Chambers
Introduction
If you picked this book up in your local bookstore/swap meet, you are like me: a decent enough guy, good to his mother, fairly normal, except for one crucial difference. You are single and can't do a damn thing to change the situation no matter what you try. The point of this book is simple: WHY EVEN TRY? Why even try to start a relationship with a woman (or man?) when it is so time consuming and will ultimately lead to:
- * harried parenthood;
* a bitter divorce as soon as the youngest child is old enough to go to college;
* a mid-life crisis where you go around driving the sportscars you should have driven into the ground when you were twenty years old and dating women who don't even know who Huey Louis and the News were (or even cares);
* male pattern baldness;
* a drinking problem;
* and finally, an infirm old age where you can only communicate using a complicated series of eyeblinks.
Sounds pretty bleak, huh? My point is, all of this (except the old age part) can be avoided by one simple life-decision - STAY SINGLE! You gain so much by doing so very little. Without the constant nagging of a 'significant other', your time will be freed up to all sorts of possibilities. Travel the world, learn a new language, conduct research on the many microbreweries crisscrossing this fine country of ours - the options are endless!
It occurs to me that many techniques exist to render you single already. These include but are not limited to: addictions, impotency, or mental problems. The use of these techniques indicates a lack of imagination. With the little tidbits of wisdom contained in this book, you'll be able to stay single and have the health and financial wherewithal to enjoy it!
If you are still reading this and have not put it back on the shelf to flip through the first few pages of the latest magnum opus by Crichton, King, et al, congratulations (and buy the book already, willya?)! This book will contain many helpful hints, pointers and tips for maintaining your independence for as long as you want. Without further ado, here are 101 of the painstakingly gathered methods for becoming a lonely, miserable wreck of a man (or woman) that I've discovered. I hope you have as much fun using them as I had prying the info out of the poor wretches at Star Trek conventions and truck stops around the country. Enjoy!
NOTE: Do not attempt to read this book from cover to cover! The knowledge contained herein is far too potent to be taken in at one sitting. Your brain may very well hemorrhage, or you may actually transcend Bachelor status and approach the state of existence known as "Creepy", where everyone leaves you alone. For the love of God, only try to read a few portions at a time! You have been warned.
1. Shave irregularly and engage in poor personal hygiene.
Nothing says "Stay the hell away from me" like a man who doesn't seem to understand how to use a razor or soap effectively.
2. Maintain the same hairstyle that you had when you were nine years old.
Mom's apron-strings must be pretty tight if you haven't tried to change your hairstyle at least once.
3. Own an unusual pet and obsess over it.
This one takes a little while, as having a pet is usually seen as a sign of stability and responsibility, but it is guaranteed to render you single for a long time - at least as long as the pet is alive. Any strange or non-traditional pet will do: iguana, boa constrictor, talking parrot, hermit crab, whatever. The key is to become obsessed with the pet. Take it with you driving, dress it up in clothes made just for it, ask it what it wants to watch on TV, cry out its name during sex, whatever it takes. Any self-respecting woman will be headed for the hills within 2 weeks, tops.
to be continued......
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